“I hate it when teachers and students see me as this dud that can’t go anywhere without an aid [sic]. I hate broadcasting my deafness to the entire class by having another human being there to assist me. I hate being reminded of my deafness every day.” – a livejournal friend of mine, Chiara
I hear ya, Chiara. I do. Like her, I want independence and not have my deafness be the thing that defines me. I’ve always been a strong supporter of doing things for yourself, taking initative, and going after what you want, and not letting things stop you from achieving what you want. My mom raised me this way, as this was her goal for me in life, to use my own voice.
This is one reason why I don’t understand why deaf people would rather rely on interpreters than talking and listening for themselves. I know that some can’t for different reasons, but there are many that I know that are capable, but choose to be “Deaf”. I can’t fathom that. I want to be able to speak for myself, communicating my own thoughts with my own voice, and hear things for myself.
But I’m not at that point yet. The CI doesn’t give me that ability, and there’s no guarantee that it ever will. Maybe if I was implanted as a baby, when the brain is much more plastic.
Anyways, as a result, today was one of those days where being deaf was thrown into my face. It’s my favorite time of the quarter, registration for the next one. *sarcasm*
The problem lies in the fact that there are a limited number of seats for deaf students reserved in specific sections of a course. I haven’t been able to register due to other issues that are currently being resolved.
But I am now locked out of all the available supported sections for that course, (except for one, which conflicts with every section of my other required class). It’s frustrating for me, because my teacher told me that she absolutely will not add an extra student to the lab class (which I understand the reasons for). Student Services won’t boot somebody from the class so I can have a seat in the supported section. And Support Services does not want to support another section.
So now I’m trying to figure out how I am going to get into this required class and have support. Frustrating, huh?
It just further deepens my desire to become independent and hear well enough on my own to function in a classroom setting. I’m already doing that with my other class, forgoing support, and going with C-Print, so I can practice listening.
So that, with some other things going on related to friends/social life, does not make for a happy me. I feel trapped.
I miss being around people like me or who understand deafness, and are similar in age/maturity to me. I want more of those friends, both inside and out of school. I miss my big sister, because we were a support for each other. As blonde as you are, I still love you and how we “got” each other immediately. 5 years apart has been too long. A few minutes in 3 years is not enough. But it feels like a lifetime with you, and all is right again, in that brief passing.
Sometimes navigating the hearing world by yourself is scary, and at other times, tiring and frustrating. Other times it is absolutely exhilarating and fun!
“What I wouldn’t give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what wouldn’t I give to meet a kindred”
Alanis Morissette -”All I Really Want”
I’m a fair amount older than you, but went through most of what you did sans CI. I hear ya. It’s tough. I function just fine in the hearing world but I’ve never felt a part of it. You might or might not either. But hang in there You’ll figure things out for yourself, I’m sure of it.