Tomorrow’s the big day. Just less than 2 hours till the magic midnight hour of no more food or drink. 9 hours and 17 minutes till I’m on the table (at 7:30 am), having a hole drilled into my head, and part of my skull hollowed out.
The surgery itself will take an hour, but there’s an hour after the implant, where they test it to make sure it’s working. If it isn’t, then they take it out and put the backup implant in. The only wish I had would be that Megan would be there, instead of the other audiologist, since I haven’t met Kim yet and feel nervous about that.
Right now, I am on the verge of freaking out. Earlier today, I was thinking about not going through with it. Then I realized it was ridiculous to come this far and spend ALL this money and time only to go, “oh wait, I don’t want to do this after all”, especially for insignificant reasons due to my anxiety of it all.
I’m not scared about the surgery itself. I’ve got competent and excellent doctors behind this, who are working together. I don’t have to worry about bleeding, because they know what to do to treat that if it happens. Rather, the biggest thing that I’m scared of is what happens afterwards. What is it going to be like? Am I going to regret this? What is sound going to be like? Am I going to hate the way the world sounds, and prefer my hearing aids to this cochlear implant?
I’ve got my doctors and every person that I have undergone tests with, who have looked at my audiological history and said “you are an excellent candidate”. Some of my friends, who have gotten their implants recently, absolutely love theirs and are doing well with it. But I have this feeling that if something were to go wrong, I would have SO much more to lose.
Right now, I’m sitting here typing up my thoughts and playing all my favorite songs, even cheesy ones like Hanson’s “MMMBop”, which just popped up on my list. I want to memorize the sounds of my favorites one last time before I lose all my “natural” hearing in the right ear.
I don’t know how I’m going to survive one month without sound in one ear. Music and sound have always been a part of my life, since I first put my hearing aids on at 4 months old. I have a long road ahead of me in learning to “re-understand” sound. I know that once I get activated, it’s not going to be the same as the hearing aids, and I have to keep reminding myself of that fact.
This is the moment where I need to take a leap of faith and just DO it. That’s been my whole life…taking a leap of faith and hoping for the best. It hasn’t failed me yet.
5 am, here we come. Bring it on.