When I first returned to school, one of the major things I was wondering about with the CI was how much more noticable would it be/how would people see it as compared to the hearing aid.
The most common question I get is “didn’t you have a different color on yesterday?” I’ve been asked this by my boss, the interpreters, and a few classmates that haven’t been familiar with the CI/me. Matt W., one of my photo classmates, asked me this last night when I ran into him at Commons, and told me the rainbow one was his favorite. I thought I should put this in here, because it’s been an reoccuring theme, but never thought about it.
I feel much more confident in wearing the CI as compared to the HA, because I don’t have to worry about feedback or squealing noises. I was always afraid of being in a group of people, and not being told my HAs are giving me feedback and irritating people with the squealing noise, especially since I’m on my own now.
I’ve also worried about hugging people, and having the HA squeal in their ear, since it always makes me embarassed, especially if it’s an emotional moment (such as somebody crying), and it would be impolite for me to pull away. Instead of squealing, the magnet gets knocked off slightly, or gets attracted to their glasses frame (without coming off of my head), but it doesn’t bother them, and I like it better that way.
I remember my sophomore year of college, when Eileen, one of my all-time favorite teachers, kept looking at me during the lecture/critique, to try and tell me that I was getting feedback. She finally pulled me aside and quietly told me that without making a big deal in front of the whole class. If it hadn’t been for her, I would have driven the hearing people crazy, as I was in an all-deaf environment at the time (dorm, friends, activites, etc.) except for classes which were mainstreamed. And it turns out there was a crack in the tubing, causing the squealing.
I love how people react to feeling the magnet/implant under the skin. When I get asked questions, I sometimes offer to let them feel the bump on my head, so that they know what it is like. I usually take their hand, and guide it over the area, so they can feel the difference.
The reactions of people are so varied, from totally grossed out, to awe, and to deviousness such as finding other magnetic objects to stick to my head in the future. There are some who flat out refuse to touch it (or look at the incision area), like my stepmom, and my stepbro and I both like to call her a weenie, hehe.
Last night, while eating dinner out in the hall, my friends decided to try and do listening drills for me. It was really difficult, as the common dorm noises, and people talking/music playing, plus the acoustics, made it nearly impossible.
I’m glad my friends are enjoying this and wanting to help out, but the flip side of the coin is that I feel frustrated when I can’t get anything right or understand it.
I know that what I think I hear is really different from what is said. Sometimes it is really hilarious to them, but I can’t help but feel bad because I am trying.
The perfectionist in me feels like I’ve taken steps backwards. It says to me that I’m letting myself and other people down, because I’m not catching on quickly. But how I must remind myself that there are so many variables coming into play, that affect the dynamics of this listening situation, which really isn’t optimal for me, AT ALL. So I can’t beat myself up over not catching on.
Maybe I just need to lighten up and not be sensitive about it. After all, if you can’t beat them, you might as well as join them. Best thing is to laugh about it, instead of getting upset.
And to remind myself that they really do have my best interests at heart. It’s new to me, and it’s new to them as well. We’re all in this together. Maybe it’ll be better after some of them come with me to auditory therapy sessions with Mandy, and understand it better.